Browse Professor Quotes

Women were kind of problematic.

—Professor Stephen Bensch discussing the role of women in medieval society.

Chess playing computers don't worry about their social lives.

—Prof. Durgin, Cognitive Science
In reality, that's how it looks when the Enterprise shoots a laser at the Borg.
—Prof. Bruce Maxwell, computer graphics lecture
Fuck the pundits! They don't know jack shit!
—Richard M. Valelly, Southern Politics seminar
Who really understands the workings of the human heart, I mean, transhistorically?
—Prof. Kendall Johnson, in ENGL 113: American Studies
If I were an Indian goddess, the next leaf would come out here, and the next here...
—Nick Kaplinsky, Plant bio lecture about leaves
Some of you are of age, some of you arent...

But it's 11 in the morning.

Oh, who cares?
—Professor Lesjak, Theory of the Novel, on bringing alcohol to our end of class party
My dog really likes it (the textbook) too, but gets mad when he finds typos.
—Professor Cheever Engineering 12; In response to a student's dog liking the book.
You gotta inhale like your life depends on it - because it mostly does.
—John Alston, choir practice
Bills in congressional committees are just like my son's rabbit, Herbie. He and his friend found Herbie in the creek around our house and put it in the rabbit-hutch in our backyard. We gave Herbie all sorts of vitamins and minerals; it died two days later. So just as interest groups put in lots of time and effort into legislation, bills die in committee anyways.
—Professor Valelly, P.S. 104, on congressional committees in American Politics
This guy is a crack-pot.
—Andrew Ward referring to a Harvard associate who's helped to perpetuate the myth of alien abductions.
Who really understands the secrets of the human heart, I mean, transhistorically?
—Kendall Johnson, Engl 113: American Studies
I've tasted the semen of a Indochinese man before it became Vietnam. Beat that.
—Professor Gregorio, Religion, out of nowhere
So many celebrities, so many failed marriages.
—Professor Kako, Psychology 134: Psycholinguistics Seminar
A- is cool at Swarthmore... But not when you sing it.
—John Alston, choir practice
There is a fine line between I have no ida what you're talking about and Please stop talking!
—Cheryl Grood, Math 49: Modern Algebra
It may seem like I'm just making this up, but... I am.
—John Alston, choir practice
You must not sing like George Bush talks.
—John Alston, choir practice
That was virtually perfect. Except for the notes and the rhythm.
—John Alston, choir practice
You don't have to make eye contact. I know many of you have problems with intimacy.
—John Alston, choir practice
We're going to take it from one of the impossible spots, if you don't mind...
—John Alston, choir practice for Bach's St. John Passion
I can't throw this score - it's too expensive.
—John Alston, choir practice
It shows you how horrible machines are and how they ruin your life. Sorry... I don't want to sound like the unibomber.
—Michael Pesenson, on trying to use the projector during AntiChrist and the Apocalypse in Russian Literature
Maybe we should fight outside.
—Professor Kuperberg, Ec 5
Maurer: When Martians land on Earth, the second question I'm going to ask them is, 'Which did you invent first: matrices or determinants?'
Class: What's the first question you're going to ask them?
Maurer: How do you have sex?
—Professor Maurer, Honors Linear Algebra
Never doubt the power of parentheses.
—Professor Maurer, Honors Linear Algebra
you can study any which way you like, as long as you don't study like miguel solano.
—Larry Westphal answering "how should we study for the micro exam?"
Life is a sloppy business.
—Professor Schuldenfrei, Philosophy 101: Intro to Philosophy, Knowledge & Value
Because you can't put babies in a cage and shock them.
—Professor Kako
This isn't just an assignment, it's an instant A+ for anyone who tackles that damn banana if it comes in here again.
—Barbara Riebling, Engl 20: Shakespeare
Iago's a psychopath, Macbeth is an asshole. Don't you dare put that on the Internet.
—Barbara Riebling, Engl 20: Shakespeare
The family that kills together, thrills together.
—Barbara Riebling, Engl 20: Shakespeare
Don't please quote me on the Internet on that. I will personally kill all of you.
—Barbara Riebling, Engl 20: Shakespeare
You do not want to see a Shakespeare movie with me, I actually shouted at the screen, 'Where are the damn Norwegians!?'
—Barbara Riebling, Engl 20: Shakespeare
Ding! My Christ bread is done. I'll be right back.
—Prof. Campos, Food and Literature, on the connection between the eucharist and cooking
You're not supposed to have nephew-sons.
—Barbara Riebling, Engl 20: Shakespeare
When they talk about going Medieval on someone's ass, let me tell you, they oughta say Renaissance, cause they knew how to torture people.
—Barbara Riebling, Engl 20: Shakespeare
The book was written by Japanese schoolgirls - not that I have anything against that.
—Professor Dickinson (visiting from UPenn), trying to explain who wrote "The Japanese Mind."
Sex and family values: they both sell.
—Professor Pieter Judson, Sexuality and Society in Modern Europe
Now I could say that my name is Bob, or my name is Steve, and I wouldn't actually have said anything wrong. You may wonder, however, why anyone would say something like that.
—Professor Maurer, Math 6B, on error bounds
And the people of Northeim always loved a good parade....like Barbara Streisand.
—Professor Judson, when talking about how the people of Northeim always loved a good parade (like Barbra Streisand)
This is brilliant. How can anyone call this youthful inexperience? Those jackasses!
—Barbara Milewski, talking about Sibelius' Kullervo Symphony
If only I had a bionic eraser! That's what I need. I haven't been to the gym in a week.
—Prof. Andrew Ward, Research Design
We're stupid horny people with a much higher chance of getting laid without blowing ourselves up.
—Prof. Schuldenfrei lecturing on the oversimplified nature of the U.S.'s perspective on suicide bombers.
This is what I mean by hardcore..oh I can't believe I just used that word!
—Professor Schneider, Physiological Psychology, Motivations, this was said right after he told us that we will be studying sex as a human motivation
Mmm, chocolate qualia.
—Professor Baker, Philosophy of Mind and Psychology (Seminar)
I'm gonna be really pissed if you guys go around saying I've been talking about gassing turtles!
—Professor Schuldenfrei, Social & Political Philosophy Seminar
Let's get down to this chillaxin' session.--Prof. Vallely, Immigration and American Politics
—As we started class...he said 'redonculous' later
I'm growing horns you bitch.
—Professor Riebling, Shakespeare
I don't have much sympathy for the All-Day Masturbators.
—Professor Schuldenfrei, Social & Political Seminar
I just don't want to plunge us into unending night.
—Ed Kako, Psychology of Language, on lowering a blackout shade in the Science Center
Imagine a society run by free-range chickens!
—Professor Schuldenfrei, Social & Political Seminar
I can always count on Swarthmore students to understand all these obscure Renaissance sex things.
—Barbara Riebling, English 20: Shakespeare
Because there weren't many McDonalds around 50,000 years ago...
—Professor Schneider, Physiological Psychology, Explaining our need for fat storage in prehistoric times
Everyone who smokes marajuana wishes he were pseudo-hippie. Sadly, sometimes you're just a stoner.
—Bakirathi Mani, ENGL 76CC: The World, the Text, and the Critic
Can I get into this without all of the gymnastics of sexual behavior? Interesting choice of words there...
—Professor Schneider, Physiological Psychology, Introducing the topic of sexual behavior
It really gives the meaning that the Gods of throwing up are beating on you.
—Professor Sibelan Forrester, Russian 2B, about the Russian phrase 'mnye ploxa'
It's like spinach, it's good for us, it gives us a way to communicate about psychoactive drugs.
—Professor Schneider, Physiological Psychology, justifying/apologizing for the introduction of new terminology
What's so great about Latin? It's a pathologically rational language!
—Grace Ledbetter, GREK 012: Homer
That penis of yours, to me, it's just a vagina.
—Barbara Riebling English 20: Shakespeare
If any of you makes that [grammatical] mistake again, I'll tear out your ribcage and wear it as a hat.
—Mira Seo
I can't believe I just used the word 'hunk'!
—Professor Schneider, Physiological Psychology, discussing synpatic defense
Oh shit! It's Thursday!
—Professor Murer, Politics of Eastern Europe
Nate's answer contains a philosophical abstraction that makes me think of a bird flying up its own ass.
—Prof R. Schuldenfrei, Phil 004
We all experience cross talk under the influence of LSD
—Professor Schneider, Physiological Psychology
The idea of a lecherous leper always skeezed me out.
—Barbara Riebling- Shakespeare
There's intellectual and concrete masturbation - well here's this guy in the street and I ask him 'Why are you masturbating?' and he says 'I lost my key.' I say 'Why the hell are you masturbating then?' 'It helps me forget that I lost my key.'
—Prof R. Schuldenfrei, Phil 004
This makes it sound like I know what I'm talking about, which is highly questionable.
—Professor Judson, during a lecture in History 36: Modern Germany
You can't have too much ether.
—Robert Paley, Chem 022 Lab
So I'd end up with 16, 16, 42, 96, hut, hut, hut!
—Bruce Maxwell - Mobile Robotics
Prof. Williamson: ...and to answer that we'd need to understand the nature of God, as well as His relationship to all of creation.
Student: Hey, we've got fifteen minutes left.
—Craig Williamson, Beowulf to Milton
Think fat! Think hunger! Think sexual reproduction!
—Professor Schneider, Physiological Psychology, parting words after hunger/sexual behavior class
Seized by altruism, whatever that means, you reproduce and then you go to sleep.
—Professor Schneider, Physiological Psychology
So, if you don't get a degree, you make less money. Unless you become a rock star.
—Professor Bob Weinberg, History 3A
I don't even know what a problem set is.
—William Turpin, Classics 32: The Roman Republic
It's not the slaughtering of human beings - it's the sheep!
—Professor Bensch, History 006 Formation of the Islamic Near East, on the real reason people didn't like the Mongols
Foreign investors aren't your parents... they don't just give you money for no reas- because they love you.
—Professor Kuperberg, Economics 21: Intermediate Macroeconomics
Speaking of bladders, I'm going to show you a demo now.
—Chris Burns, ASTR 129: Cosmology
Booty was big in the Near East.
—Professor Bensch, History 006 Formation of the Islamic Near East
It took me a while to realize that you can't go into bars and pick up girls by telling them you're a classics professor.
—William Turpin, during Classics Happy Hour
He's a bastard and a child molester, but pretty good at tennis.
—William Turpin, Classics 32: The Roman Republic
I don't think any of you can afford to buy me the kind of presents I want
—Professor Mira Seo, upon telling the class about her upcoming birthday
It's so hot, all you have to do is tickle it.
—Professor Schneider, Physiological Psychology, in reference to the synapse
I made some for my Dungeons and Dragons group, but they were like 'Sean, this stuff is way too intense'
—Prof. Sean Crist discussing a chocolate and chili pepper drink made by the ancient Mayans
English majors can be very dangerous people!
—Peter Schmidt, Poetry Workshop
Children like to eat dirt. I remember eating dirt.
—Professor Hopkins, Religion 114, Love and Religion
God was wrong!
—Craig Williamson, Beowulf to Milton
It's not Disney World.
—Professor Schneider, Physiological Psychology, in reference to pharmocology
You're a TWO!
—Prof Ken Sharpe, in POLS 101: Ancient Theory, ranking a student on the Kohlberg scale, which grades your rational moral development on a scale of 1-6.
Come here Mrs. Parkinsons, let me stick a hydrodermic needle in your brain!
—Professor Schneider, Physiological Psychology, explaining the need for medication to be taken systemically.
There's something wrong with my head!!
—Professor Schneider, Physiological Psychology
There's intellectual and concrete masturbation - well here's this guy in the street and I ask him 'Why are you masturbating?' and he says 'I lost my key.' I say 'Why the hell are you masturbating then?' 'It helps me forget that I lost my key.'
—Prof R. Schuldenfrei, Phil 004
Alright, You be Lee Morgan and I'll be Count Basie....wait...if you get to be Lee Morgan, I get to be Jesus!
—John Alston, Jazz ensemble reheasal
Something funny!
—Professor Jolt, History 101: History of The Daily Jolt
So far this is so easy. It sounds almost like Alice and Wonderland!
—Professor Pasternack, Chem 10, Lecturing about Thermodynamics
Matt, I equate your game to a premature ejaculation, look that up in the dictionary
—Prof. Lee Wimberly on Matt Kurman's basketball game
These are the last bars Mozart ever wrote, and you have to imagine him sweating away, thinking, If only Sussmeyer were smarter.
—John Alston, Music
It's like--if you'll excuse the obscenity and the blasphemy--'Jesus fucking Christ.'
—Professor Turpin on a parallel grammatical structure, Latin 1
Is this the one about the whorehouse?
—Professor Deutsch to Professor Wallace in Religion Cafe
Saints generally are pretty annoying people.
—Professor Hopkins, Religion 114, Love and Religion.

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